the real shocker was when we drove down the old neighborhood. i didn’t like what i saw. it’s too sad for words, let alone for photos. it’s the kind of aimless, mindless development typical to us. to me it seemed like people just kept building on top of one structure after another, or squeezing into whatever room there is left. really, it defies science as we know it–that matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

nakakalungkot. ang pangit. ang dumi. ang gulo. nakakadismaya. mahal ko ang aking bansa, at masakit sa akin na maramdaman ito, na parang ayoko na, dahil ito ang iniiwasan kong mangyari. na matulad sa iba na ayaw nang bumalik. na hindi na makita ang sarili nila na nakatira dito, na mamuhay dito, at maging masaya dito.

so the grass might be greener on the other side, but this backyard, on this side is MINE. i hope in the end that is all that matters.

part of me is afraid of integrating again, having missed a lot of things in the year and a half of absence. i’m sure my family and friends will welcome me with open arms. it’s just that everything is different and yet still the same. i wonder how long before i stop feeling like an outsider. maybe when i find out whether i am just a visitor or i am home for good?

i am also deathly afraid of disappointing my mom. God knows how many times she’s been let down before. i know she wants to fly out of the nest egg and conquer the world. i want to give her everything she wants, ahd i can’t do that here.

i am not sure if it’s a good thing that i came back after only more than a year. i can only imagine how frightening it must have been for my dad who was gone for 10 years.

i guess it’s a “problem” for most, if not all, expats. how  to blend in, how to find their place, how to be a part of a world they have left behind for so long. really, it’s so weird coming home and discovering everything has changed and yet things are still the same.

maybe i just didn’t notice them, or knew that they were still up there. worse, maybe i was looking but not really seeing.

the meadows at paradise, mt. rainier national park

*nelly’s song

well, turns out, they do. i was happily walking towards my car, sandwich in tow (no pun intended) when this guy approached me. just my luck that i parked right beside the towing company’s van! i knew there was something about that van. i knew i shouldn’t have parked there. the guy was saying that the parking lot was reserved for the shopping center and subway customers aren’t allowed to use it. i asked him nimbly “am i in trouble?” he didn’t answer my question, but instead informed me of the fines ($25 if i paid on the spot, $50 if i am ticketed, and it keeps on compounding the longer i don’t pay it). if i was in the Philippines, i would have apologized profusely and asked that he let me go with just a warning. but i know rules are different here and i can’t bend the law just like that. so i asked “how would i pay for it?” (because i didn’t have cash with me) while mentally kicking myself for doing something stupid. i mean, i am very conscious of the way i spend because i want to save, but a bad judgment call is gonna cost me 25 freakin’ bucks. that’s 5 $5 footlongs!

imagine my relief when he said “no, you don’t have to pay anything. i am not giving you a ticket. but next time, pay attention to the rules.” i didn’t know what to say. i thanked him and made a promise never to park illegally again.

people who know me would tell me, i am bull-headed and i don’t listen to anyone. i don’t always follow rules. they also tell me that i am charming, perhaps too charming for my own good haha. well, i’ve always managed to get myself out of any sticky situation by using this facial expression that i can’t quite describe. but it works!

i know. i know. this streak is bound to end sooner or later. one day i’m gonna find myself in a situation that i will not be able to get out of. so i vow never to park illegally again. it’s not much, but it’s a start. baby steps =)

i also realized that what the owner of my apartment told me was true. she warned me against people who might be using my space, because “parking is worth its weight in gold in bellevue”. i thought she was exaggerating. no wonder there are a lot of towing companies, not just in bellevue, but in the US in general. towing is big business!

I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I’ll be alright
Perhaps it’s just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It’s time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there’s pretty lights
And though there’s little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I’ll be alright
It’s just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

**

as heard in Scrubs