i’m finally home and i have mixed feelings about it. of course i am happy to see my mom and family again, and soon my friends. but being in a limbo–not knowing whether i am staying or leaving again, is so disconcerting.
part of me is afraid of integrating again, having missed a lot of things in the year and a half of absence. i’m sure my family and friends will welcome me with open arms. it’s just that everything is different and yet still the same. i wonder how long before i stop feeling like an outsider. maybe when i find out whether i am just a visitor or i am home for good?
i am also deathly afraid of disappointing my mom. God knows how many times she’s been let down before. i know she wants to fly out of the nest egg and conquer the world. i want to give her everything she wants, ahd i can’t do that here.
i am not sure if it’s a good thing that i came back after only more than a year. i can only imagine how frightening it must have been for my dad who was gone for 10 years.
i guess it’s a “problem” for most, if not all, expats. how to blend in, how to find their place, how to be a part of a world they have left behind for so long. really, it’s so weird coming home and discovering everything has changed and yet things are still the same.
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